


Why Sam?

by BestfanSammy



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Depressed Sam Winchester, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt Sam Winchester, I don´t know what I´m doing, Post-Episode: s13e22 Exodus, Protective Dean Winchester, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:55:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27376819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BestfanSammy/pseuds/BestfanSammy
Summary: Dean couldn’t believe what he was watching, he didn’t want to believe that this was really happening. Sammy. His Sammy. Painted by blood.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Comments: 1
Kudos: 43





	Why Sam?

Dean used to believe that he knew everything good and bad about Sam. How he wakes up in the middle of the night, with sweat all over his face. How the next day he would just be as if nothing had happened, and chat and help Jack with the research. How sometimes, when he thinks that no one was watching him, he presses the scar in his hand.

Dean used to believe. Until one day he arrives at the bunker and sees what he is most afraid of. Sammy. _His_ Sammy. Painted by blood. _His_ Blood. In his room, on the floor, with cuts in both wrists. “Sammy?”. Dean couldn’t believe what he was watching, he didn’t want to believe that this was really happening. Dean took his flannel and parted in two while he runs and kneels besides Sam. He starts to put pressure in the wounds.

“ _CAS! CASTIEL COME HERE FAST._ Hey, Sammy? I need you to open your eyes for me please…” After what feel like hours Sam let out a whimper, almost like a whisper. “Sam come on man you can’t live me like that you just can’t. I need you with me, Cas needs you… Jack needs you”

In that moment Cas enters the room “Dean are you ok? Did you- “Cas froze when he saw the image in from of him. 

“You need to fix him Cas, now!” Castiel walked towards Sam and Dean, kneels, and put his two fingers in Sam´s forehead. It was so cold. Cas´s eyes glow blue and a light from his fingers. The cuts in Sam´s wrists were close now and Dean let out a breath that he didn’t know he was holding. 

“I put Sam to sleep since he lost a lot of blood and think is better if we let him rest”

“Thanks Cas let’s put him in bed” After the to of them were able to put him in bed, Dean notice a paper in the night table. He knew what it was. He took the paper and read the first three words:

_I´m sorry Dean._

Dean felt his hearth break. He didn’t dare to read the rest of the letter, he needed Sam to tell him himself, so he put it again in the night table. A rush of emotions passed through him, anger, fear, sadness, and in the end all he had left was worry and guilty. He didn´t understand what could possibly cause this.

“Dean what happened?”

“I…I don´t know. I was on my way to a bar and then I realized that I forgot my wallet, so I came back and… I couldn’t find it, I looked for Sam to ask him if he had it… and found him on the… floor…”

“Hey it´s okay. When he wakes up, we ca ask him what happen. I´m sure Sam has an explanation.”

“Cas if I hadn’t come back…” Dean let out a shaky breath

“But you did, so we just have to wait.” Dean sit in the chair next to the bed. Cas went out of the room.

* * *

A few hours past when Sam started to move. Dean was by his side all the time, he never got up. When Sam let out a cry and started to murmur _no no no,_ Dean knew Sam was having a nightmare. “Sam? Hey, it is just a nightmare you are ok, everything is okay” When Dean touch Sam´s shoulder, Sam sit up exalted, against the headboard, breathing fast and looking everywhere like looking for someone. “Sam, Sammy look at me” Sam look at Dean, his eyes where glassy. “Everything is ok. You are ok.”

After a moment Sam seem to realize where he was, and he seem to be a little more relax. Just a little.

“What happen? Why-?” Dean saw the exact moment when Sam remembered what had happened. He started to hyperventilate. “Oh God… I´m sorry, I´m so sorry Dean” Dean heart broke even more.

“Hey it´s ok. You don´t have to apologies”

“I tried to… Oh god” Sam started to breath faster.

“Hey, hey, I need you to calm down ok. Breath with me one… two…” After some minutes Sam started to calm down. “That´s it”

“I´m sorry, I was too weak”

“Sam you are not weak. You are one of the strongest persons that I know.” Sam snort. “I just need you to know that no matter what happens we will always fight it together, but to do that I need you to be honest with me, ok?” Sam look at him with hesitation and the he nods.

“Have you ever tried before?” Sam looked away and his eyes watered. Dean knew right there what the answer was, but he needed to hear it from him.

“Yes” Dean closed his eyes and took deep breaths, trying to calm himself.

“When, how many?” Dean said trying to sound as calm as possible.

“Three… The first time I was at Stanford, I called you and Dad answered… he told me to fuck off and to stop bothering you” Dean was getting mad, not to Sam, to his dad, he can´t believe that his own dad say that. “After he said that, I just broke and took all the pills on a bottle… but Jess found me and took me to the hospital and later to a therapist. He said that I have depression and prescribe me some pills… they help, but then you asked me to go with you and Jess died and the pills were expensive, so I stop taking them… I didn’t have time to be ‘sad’… and then you died and I have nothing to lean on so I tried again and I shoot myself… but then again I can’t do anything right and I lived… that’s when Ruby came in, she helped to find a way to didn´t feel bad…”

“The demon blood”

“Yeah, I felt alive again I didn´t have those ‘bad’ thoughts, I liked to get up from bed. And after everything that was way worse”

Dean couldn´t believe what he was hearing, Sam have depression and he never even noticed. Now that Dean thought about when Sam was young there were days when Sam wouldn’t go out of bed, but Dean just thought that it was because he was tired after a hunt. Now Dean could see all the times that Sam was depressed, and he didn’t like it. When Sam spoke again forced Dean to go out of his mind.

“The last time was when… Lucifer appear to me the first time. I kill myself… but he just brought me back… He said that he would _always_ bring me back” Dean noticed the tears in Sam cheeks, then he realized that he was crying too.

“Why didn’t you said that you have… depression, I could have help you- “

“There is nothing you could do. Besides, that was the least of our problems, we always have something bigger going on”

“It doesn’t matter, between Cas, me, even Jack, we are going to figure it out a way to help you. Believe me when I said that we are going to do everything that is necessary to make you feel batter”

“Thanks, that means a lot”

“I just need you to ask you something else… Why now?” Sam hesitated for a moment as if he didn’t know to tell the truth, but at the end he talked. 

“I… everything seemed too much… with Jack, and then Gabriel… and… and Lucifer…”

“Did he do something… before you went to the camp?” Sam couldn’t help to let out a little sob. Dean close his fists in an attempt of calm himself down. Why didn’t he notice. When Sam arrived at the camp, Dean had noticed how terrified Sam looked, he thought that it was the fact that he died… again. Add to the list of an ‘amazing big brother’. 

“He… He told me that he brought me back and that I had to guide him to the camp because of that… I didn’t want to do it, so I say no and… he said that he would do it in the hard way…”

Dean didn’t know if he wanted Sam to continue, but he knew that Sam needed to take it all out. “What did he do?”

“I don’t… I don’t want you to change the way you feel about me.” Sam put his knees against his chest and his head down.

“That is never going to happened, no matter what you say I´m never going to think any different about you” Sam started to cry, don’t even bothering if Dean saw him. Dean got up and sit next to Sam and hug him. After a moment Sam spoke again, it was almost a whisper.

“He… he touched… me… told me… how I… was his little… pet” Dean choke in his own breath. He was afraid of that, of all the things that Lucifer could have done to Sam, why did it have to be this. He was always who suffer more, and Dean was so tired of that. He realized that Sam was crying even more.

“It´s ok. Everything is ok… everything is going to be ok. We will figure out” Dean continued to say comfort words until after about 15 minutes Dean notice that Sam´s breaths were deeper, and he felt asleep. Dean stand up, put a blanket on Sam and watched him for a few minutes.

Dean go out of the room and that’s when he started to really cry. He didn’t notice someone in behind him. “Dean are you ok?”. Dean flinch at the voice, not expecting it. When he looked up, he saw Jack with a concern look in his face.

“I´m fine Jack, don´t worry about me” Jack saw him with eyebrows furrow.

“You don´t seem find, you seem… sad”

“I said I´m fine” He said sharper than he intended to. When he saw Jack´s face, he tried to calm down. In some part of his mind he wanted to blame Jack for what happened to Sam. After all he was Lucifer son. But he knew that even with that statement Jack was nothing like Lucifer. “I’m sorry Jack, it´s just… I have to much in my mind right now- “

“Is this because of Sam?” Dean looked at him with a questioning look. “I wanted to see Sam, to show him something that I found. But Cas told me to stay back… I don’t know why” Dean doubt to tell Jack the truth or to just send him away.

“Jack… Sam is… not in the greatest place of all” He saw the confusion in Jack´s face “I mean in his mind… he is tired, and we need to be patient with him”

“What do you mean about his mind?”

“Look Jack, this is something a little private for Sam. I think is better if he tells you by himself.”

“Can I see him? I want to know if I can do something.”

“I´m sorry Jack, we need to let him rest” Dean could see a little disappointment in Jack´s face.

“Oh… ok”

“Hey, don’t worry, he will be fine. Why don´t you go with Cas.” Jack hesitate for a moment but left.

Dean had no idea what he could do, but he knew that he was going to protect Sammy, it has always been his job, and maybe he didn´t always made the best but he is always going to try.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all for read!!!!!  
> So, this is my first fic and english isn´t my fist language, so Im sorry if there is any gramatical errors.


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